I made it to a second newsletter!

Thanks for being here. Stay as long as you want, and no hard feelings if you feel like leaving. Also, if you know anyone who might appreciate these monthly updates, feel free to send them my way!

This episode (Season 1, Episode 2) is kind of on the theme of transition. I’m generally planning on trying to keep these emails about what’s happening month-to-month, but this month I’m really reflective and also forward-flective (?) so this is what you’re getting. I’m going to talk about myself today and if that’s not your vibe at the moment, turn back now!

Part I

I was lying supine in my physical therapist’s office this morning getting my shoulder worked on and thinking through the past 17 years of work and creative projects, and it’s been a real roller-coaster in a lot of ways. It’s a life and career path I’m actively trying to transition away from, and that is very complicated—emotionally, psychologically, and logistically.

Playing drums and making music is a great love of my life, and since 2008 I’ve been working hard to build a career that has ultimately been often very rewarding, and financially…very modest,—and if I’m being critically honest, probably peaked around 2019. COVID, yes, but there’s a lot more to it than that. I came to New York with the goal of playing Broadway shows. I never have. Not even once (I worked on one Broadway show for the better part of the year, but not performing). And while in one sense that feels disheartening, I know many of the reasons for it and have made (long, winding, two-steps-forward-one-step-back) peace with it. But it’s one of the only remaining jobs for musicians in this city where one can hope to help put one’s kids through college and maybe someday see some form of a retirement—and those are the kinds of things I’m starting to want. And even though the salary is good, for most, playing Broadway shows is far from stable and reliable anyway.

In 2021/’22 I had the good fortune to do a tour stint with the indie-rock band Guster, as a sub drum tech/percussionist, and over that time I witnessed these three guys who have been together as friends and deep creative partners for over THIRTY YEARS. They still like each other. They still write and record together. They still have a rabid fanbase. They still bring it on stage every single show. And I started to envy, nay, crave that kind of creative connection, collaborative work ethic, and longevity.

I’ve always worked in theater and deeply enjoy being a single, usually invisible piece of the giant puzzle that is a theater production. It feels simultaneously anonymous and integral, and that’s a sweet spot for me in some ways, but working with Guster started to trigger the realization that creative, collaborative connection is something I had largely missed working in theater and cabaret contexts. I want to clearly state that in my career I have built many strong friendships and connections with many colleagues, and have had a great deal of fun, but I’ve always considered my job in those contexts to be largely technical, and not ultimately that creative (with the notable exceptions of my extended tenures with Ryan Scott Oliver and Julia Meinwald, which are now more or less dormant, but which I will always deeply cherish). Theater is not a place for me to be creative, and I think now I need playing drums and making music to lean toward the creative, collaborative, and personal—and I need to decouple it from the pressure of it being my primary source of income (and honestly it’s been slipping that way naturally (and painfully) since 2019 or so).

I have no plans to stop playing drums or making music, and I’m still planning to take gigs (call me)! But I’m going to be choosing and prioritizing differently. And I’d still happily be the Donald Lindley to someone’s Lucinda Williams ❤️.

Part II

So what am I transitioning toward? I don’t think I talk about this without addressing impostor syndrome. And I want to shout out my friend Freddy Hall for inspiring me to start thinking critically (and with self-kindness) about this. In addition to being a beautiful person and musician, Freddy makes a DIY zine called Spokes (go find it), and in one of his issues, there’s a very affirming short essay about impostor syndrome.

I’ve always felt like an impostor as a musician, and especially in the highly competitive, fast-paced, sometimes cutthroat environment that is New York City. I don’t have conservatory degrees, and I have a million interests and curiosities that are constantly activating and interacting and distracting (it’s called ADD—look it up (also, thanks mom for never medicating me as a child ❤️)), and so I’ve always felt moderately knowledgable, and adequately skilled at a large number of things, but rarely felt comfortable calling myself an expert at any one thing—including any aspect of music—making. Even so, it’s been such a huge part of my identity and taken up so much of my time for nearly 20 years, that thinking about doing something else feels like a tall mountain, and me at the bottom in bare feet (actually probably an advantage) and with no fire-making supplies.

Every other vocational interest I have seems to have an army of degree-waving, internship-completing, very intelligent and motivated youngsters with whom my smattering of self-taught secondary skill sets seem unlikely to be able to compete. But I’ve been mentally trying on various scenarios, talking to people in various fields, and coming to the conclusion that I would probably be wise to try something that I can enjoy the technical aspects of, but that has lower stakes and emotional/self-worth investment costs.

For a bunch of years I’ve taken product photos at Steve Maxwell’s and now Good Hands Drum Shop, and using that skill and interest as a jumping off point feels worth trying. So I’ve been working on improving my photography setup and honing those skills. Dream job* (*I do not dream of labor): staff product photographer for Ikea, Trader Joe’s, or some other larger retailer where new products and designs are being developed.

In the meantime—I need to build a portfolio, so I’m putting out an ask to all of you!

If you make something, or you know someone who makes something and could benefit from some clean, eCommerce-style product photos, would you let me know?

I’m not at the point of necessarily looking for clientele yet, per se, but I would love to offer some free (or barter?) photos to some folks as a way of building said portfolio.